Attachment styles play a crucial role in our relationships, shaping how we connect with others and respond to love and intimacy. When it comes to toxic dynamics, particularly those involving narcissistic traits, the interplay of attachment styles often creates a harmful cycle that feels impossible to escape.

One of the most well-known toxic dynamics involves the anxious and avoidant attachment styles. Let’s begin by unpacking this broader dynamic before zooming in on the narcissist-codependent relationship pattern.

The Anxious-Avoidant Dance

The anxious-avoidant relationship dynamic is often described as a "push-pull" dance. It’s a pattern where one partner (anxious) craves closeness and connection, while the other (avoidant) retreats from intimacy, creating a frustrating and emotionally painful cycle.

This dynamic often begins with mutual attraction. The anxious partner is drawn to the avoidant’s independence, while the avoidant may appreciate the anxious partner’s intense focus on connection. However, over time, their contrasting needs create tension:

• The Anxious Partner constantly seeks reassurance, closeness, and validation.

• The Avoidant Partner feels overwhelmed by emotional demands and withdraws, fearing a loss of autonomy.

This push-pull cycle can be deeply destabilizing, reinforcing the anxious partner’s fears of abandonment and the avoidant partner’s discomfort with vulnerability.

When we add narcissistic traits to the avoidant side of this dynamic, the relationship becomes even more toxic, as the dismissive-avoidant behaviors intensify and the power imbalance grows.

Narcissist vs. Codependent: The Toxic Evolution of the Anxious-Avoidant Cycle

When the avoidant attachment style overlaps with narcissistic tendencies, the dynamic takes on a more damaging form. Let’s delve deeper into the specific traits of the narcissist and the codependent to see how this pattern plays out.

The Typical Narcissist’s Attachment Style: Dismissive-Avoidant

Narcissists often exhibit a dismissive-avoidant attachment style. They crave control, autonomy, and power in relationships while avoiding emotional vulnerability. Their behaviors include:

• Emotional Distance: Narcissists remain aloof and detached, resisting genuine emotional connections.

• Fear of Intimacy: Beneath their façade of confidence lies a fear of vulnerability, leading them to keep others at arm’s length.

• Self-Reliance: They prioritize their own needs and dismiss their partner’s emotions.

The Typical Codependent’s Attachment Style: Anxious

On the other side, narcissists are often drawn to individuals with anxious attachment styles, commonly referred to as codependents in these dynamics. These individuals:

• Crave Connection: They have a deep fear of abandonment and need constant reassurance.

• Seek Validation: Their sense of self-worth is often tied to their partner’s approval.

• Struggle with Boundaries: They prioritize their partner’s needs over their own, often to their detriment.

The Painful Push-Pull Cycle

When these two attachment styles interact, it creates a toxic loop:

1. The Narcissist’s Detachment heightens the codependent’s fear of abandonment, causing them to cling harder.

2. The Codependent’s Clinging triggers the narcissist’s fear of being engulfed, causing them to withdraw further.

3. This dynamic feeds on itself, leaving both partners feeling frustrated and unfulfilled—but often unable to let go.

Breaking the Cycle and Healing

Understanding the role of attachment styles is the first step to breaking free from toxic relationships. Healing involves:

• Reconnecting with Yourself: Learn to meet your emotional needs and rebuild your sense of identity.

• Setting Boundaries: Protect your emotional well-being by establishing clear limits.

• Healing Attachment Wounds: Address the unresolved attachment issues that leave you vulnerable to toxic dynamics.

If this resonates…

If you recognise these patterns in your relationships, know that change is possible. The first step is awareness. For more insights into toxic relationships and whether you might be in one, access my guide, 5 Signs You Are in a Toxic Relationship (free for the month of December).

Author - Rosie Fox, ICF & CPD Certified Coach specialising in Love & Relationships, trained in counselling (BACP), NLP, and trauma-informed approaches. Dedicated to helping women break unhealthy relationship patterns and create healthy love.